We’ve all been there, relegated to the sidelines while somebody else takes credit or a starring role in your friendship group, work team or family dynamic. But becoming your own main character is less about stealing the limelight and more about living by your own rules, instead of being swept along in somebody else’s story.
“So many of us are looking for security in relationships or jobs and if the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that we’re not in control… When things outside start to crumble, if we have that strong sense of self, we’re more able to withstand the change,” says Jessica Huie MBE, author of Purpose: Find Your Truth and Embrace Your Calling.
Here’s how to take charge of your own narrative.
Choose your responses
The first step towards taking back control of your life, ironically enough, is accepting that you can’t control life’s peaks and troughs. But you can control how you respond to them. In the face of challenges, we have the option to learn and grow, or to respond with the same old patterns of behaviour that may be holding us back, for example, using the phrase ‘that’s just the way I am’. It’s more empowering to ask, ‘but if I react differently next time, would I get a different, more positive outcome?’
Live in the moment
We are often taught to set goals and targets in order to achieve success but learning to appreciate your current situation - and what it’s trying to teach you, good or bad – is a more achievable goal. Tony Robbins, bestselling author of Awaken the Giant Within: How To Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny likens it to the martial art jiu-jitsu where fluid movement is far more effective at softening blows from your opponent than fighting back. A lesson in going with the flow if ever there was one.
Look for your choices
“There’s no question that life can be tough, but there’s always a choice,” insists Jessica Huie. “Start by counting your blessings and then you can move in a direction that’s more positive. It’s hard to change anything externally if we’re immersed in feelings of disempowerment and loss of perspective so focus on the small choices you have – what you eat, how you treat people, how you talk to yourself internally. It builds character, self-belief and anchors us in ourselves.” How we respond to the small things will support us through the big things.
Stop comparing
It’s never been easier to have a window on a highly filtered version of other people’s lives (hi, Instagram, TikTok etc). But that’s their story. Concentrate on yours. “It’s all too easy to demonise social media but what’s more important is how we use it and react to it,” explains Huie. Constantly bringing the focus back to your own story and blocking out the external noise of other peoples’ expectations and judgements will help you tune into your own goals and aspirations, giving you more space to achieve them.
Find your USP
While in some situations life might feel easier if we could just ‘fit in’, the true secret to taking charge of your own life is to embrace your individuality and discovering your Unique Selling Point. When Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself, everyone else is taken” he had a point. Following the herd is a sure-fire way to feel as though you’re living somebody else’s life.
Tony Robbins says, “where you’re going to be alive is where it’s really you” and that starts with making decisions based on your wants and needs, not others’ expectations. You do you.
Stop people pleasing
Have you ever said yes when really you meant no? “People-pleasing may seem trivial but unchecked it can become damaging,” according to psychotherapist Emma Reed Turrell, in her book Please Yourself (Fourth Estate, £14.99) “Perhaps you’re burnt out at work because you’re afraid to say no to anyone, or drained by family and friends who lean on you too much.” We all care what other people think but making time to prioritise how we think and feel will safeguard our wellbeing in the long run.
Trust yourself
Whether it’s finding the courage to say no, or taking accountability for your choices and actions, taking charge of your life starts with realising we always hold the reins. We’re all guilty of using phrases such as ‘I would do that but…’ or ‘I’ll attempt that when…’ but that’s relying too heavily on external factors and it delays progress. Don’t wait until somebody else gives you permission, trust your gut instinct and follow it.
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