Content warning: Whether you’re currently directly affected by domestic abuse, you have been in the past, or know someone who is struggling, the following content may bring up difficult feelings.
If you are in immediate danger or are reading this article on behalf of someone who is, please contact 999 immediately.
You’re in a loving relationship, and your partner really cares about you. In fact, they care so much, they like you to dress a certain way, keep tabs on you when you’re on a night out, and want you to spend all your spare time with them, instead of with your friends and family.
This type of relationship might seem like a loving one – after all, it’s normal to care about the details of your partner’s life. But when you put these types of controlling behaviour together, they create a picture that says your relationship isn’t healthy – and could be emotionally abusive.
“Some people still think ‘domestic abuse’ only means physical abuse, but there’s so much more to it than that,” says Kat Mann, senior direct services support worker at Women’s Aid. “Coercive control is when you end up behaving a certain way around your partner because you’re scared of the consequences.
“You end up feeling like you’re treading on eggshells and trying not to set your partner off, when you’re not saying or doing anything wrong. A perpetrator might say, ‘Well, I’ve never hit you, so I’m not abusive,’ to justify their behaviour – but that’s just another method of coercive control.”
In Anna Kendrick’s 2022 movie, Alice, Darling, the star plays a young woman who’s in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who’s possessive and controlling, to the extent that he tracks her every move.
It’s a tense depiction of how coercive control can affect every aspect of a domestic abuse survivor’s life. In publicity for the film, Kendrick admitted that she herself has experienced similar behaviour in a long-term relationship.
“About six years in, I remember telling my brother, when things had first kind of gone down, ‘I’m living with a stranger. Like, I don’t know what’s happening,’” Kendrick told the Armchair Expert podcast. “I believed that if we broke up or he left, it was a confirmation that it’s because I’m impossible – I’m lucky that he’s even tolerating [me].”
Kendrick explained that when she’d confront her ex about his behaviour, he’d scream at her until she was “curled in a ball, sobbing…” She concludes, “It was hard for me to recognise this as an abusive relationship, because it didn’t follow [the normal] trajectory.”
Sadly, the star’s experience is a common one for both men and women in the UK, with more than a third of women experiencing psychological abuse, and around one in six men experiencing domestic abuse in their lifetime. But signs of emotional abuse can be harder to spot than physical abuse, and can seep into your relationship gradually.
“There are still going to be really lovely times in your relationship, so you tend to hold on to those memories and hope for that to happen again,” Mann says. “You feel responsible and want to help them to change. It’s incredibly difficult to see emotional abuse when you’re in the midst of it, and when you’re constantly confused, exhausted, and trying to make sense of your partner’s behaviour, it doesn’t leave you much space to recover and reach out for help.”
Below are six red flags that might be signs you’re in an abusive relationship. If you recognise them and would like to get help and support, call Retail Trust on 0808 801 0808, in the ROI call 1800 911 810 or visit the Women’s Aid website for an online and confidential chat.
Red flag one: your partner controls you
An emotionally abusive relationship can involve relinquishing aspects of your life that should be completely within your control. Your partner might frame it as looking out for you, but if you find yourself choosing what they would prefer you to eat, wear or spend your money on, rather than making your own decisions, it could be a sign of abuse.
“It can be anything – how you dress, what your hair looks like, your makeup…” says Lisa Bell, of domestic abuse awareness charity Soundproof Box “And they will frame it in a way that makes them look like they’re just being caring. If they want you to wear more makeup than usual, they might say, ‘I want you to look nice for me when we go out’. If you’re not wearing enough, they’ll say, ‘I don’t want other people to get the wrong idea about you.’”
“They might also control your body in other ways – for example, by putting locks on food cupboards, or making comments about the amount of exercise you get.”
Aisha’s story
“I was only 19 when I met Javed. We dated for a year and a half before we got married, and during that time he was supportive of my dreams to go university, and even attended interviews and open days with me. But once we got married, that all changed.
“Soon after returning from our honeymoon, he made me leave a job as it meant me working with another man. And from then on, he was sexually coercive and financially abusive towards me – he controlled my dress, where I spent my money, even my use of public transport, all in the name of religion.
“He blamed his ill treatment on me, telling me I’m not very bright but I stayed because we had a child together. I was also grieving the man I fell for, I wanted him back so badly. My mental health hit an all time low: I couldn’t eat, sleep or look after myself. I couldn’t see a life without him – me, a single mum at 23 with no car or job. What would I do?
“He also threatened to share intimate videos of me if I spoke up about his abuse. It was only after four years, when I got a job, that I felt secure enough to leave him. Luckily, my family supported me, and in the end, leaving wasn’t as hard as I thought, but to this day, I’m still scared of what he might do.”
Red flag two: your partner demands all your attention
In a healthy relationship, you’ll both have your own lives, hobbies and friends. But in a controlling relationship, your partner might make you feel bad for not wanting to be with them all the time.
“Abusers tend to ruin birthdays, Christmas and special occasions, simply because they’re not the centre of attention – it could be anything from creating an atmosphere, to causing a big argument,” says Bell.
“When you’re apart, they might text you several times an hour, demand to speak to you while you’re at work, or do things like follow you when you go out shopping. They might even ask you to drop out of college or university, so you can be at their beck and call.”
This could even, says Mann, extend to threats of suicide. “Sadly, lots of perpetrators threaten suicide, but when this happens it really isn’t anything that you’re doing wrong,” she explains. “It’s incredibly manipulative, because it puts you in the position where you’re thinking, ‘how on earth can I leave?’”
Sally’s story
“My ex lavished me with attention from the very start – I felt like the best thing that had ever happened to him. It was only after things had ended and I got some perspective that I realised our relationship was actually all about him.
“He’d send me flowers and gifts at work, then make me repeat exactly what my colleagues had said about them, revelling in the fact that they thought he was an amazing boyfriend. He’d get really jealous about the people I chatted to online and accessed my Twitter account to block my male friends.
“He’d also regularly dump me, write vile things about me on social media, then threaten to kill himself if I didn’t take him back. I was scared he’d go through with it, so always would. Eventually, I told him it was over for good but I was still terrified that he’d hurt himself and he’d text me constantly after we broke up, saying he was going to do it. At one point, I had to call the police to check up on him and make sure he was okay.
“It was so difficult to stay strong but now I can see his behaviour was pure manipulation. I’m so relieved I managed to get out of such a toxic relationship.”
Red flag three: they project responsibility onto you
Perpetrators of abuse commonly trick their partners into believing it’s their own behaviour that’s causing them to be abused and are also adept at finding other people or situations to blame.
“Perpetrators of abuse don’t tend to take responsibility for their behaviour,” says Mann. “They’ll blame anything else ‒ they’ve had a bad childhood, they’re stressed, they were drunk – to excuse their behaviour. But more often than not, they’ll twist the situation around and blame the other person.
“It could be things like, ‘had you done as I’d asked, I wouldn’t have had to shout,’ or ‘I wouldn’t have had to push you.’ They will very, very often blame the other person rather than taking any accountability.”
Holly’s story
“I met Michael when I was just 22. At the start, he made me feel like I was amazing – the cleverest and sexiest woman alive. But quite quickly, he started showing signs of manipulation and distrust.
“I worked in a pub and he’d turn up for a drink when I was on shift without warning. He could pick a fight over anything and make it seem like it was my fault. He once told me he’d bought me a necklace but because we’d had a fight, he’d thrown it away. He said I’d cost him money and that was my fault – but looking back, I don’t think the necklace ever existed.
“When alarm bells started ringing, he came up with reasons for his behaviour – for example, that he’d had meningitis in his early teens. I was so in love, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and convinced myself he would change or I could fix our problems.
“To ‘punish’ me, he would frequently sever contact with me without warning and weeks would go by before I’d hear from him. I had no self-esteem and no life outside of our relationship and work, I actually attempted suicide during one of these periods.
“Having hit rock bottom and survived, I wasn’t prepared to put up with what I previously had and I developed an inner strength that allowed me to end the relationship. But I have absolutely no doubt that if I’d stayed, he would have become physically violent.”
Red flag four: isolating you
It’s easier to convince someone that abusive behaviour is perfectly normal if you cut them off from their friends and family so this is a common tactic among perpetrators. And when you realise you’re seeing less and less of your loved ones, you might not even be entirely sure why.
“Your partner might openly say, ‘I’m not happy about you spending time with them,’ or it could be a lot more subtle than that,” says Mann. “They could make it an issue every time you’re talking to your friends. Or you might be free to go out, but because you know there are going to be consequences, it ends up feeling easier to just not go out. That’s a very subtle, manipulative way to stop you from keeping those friendships or staying in touch with your family.”
If a friend or family member is concerned about your relationship, that could also lead to you being isolated from that person.
“An abuser will often isolate their partner when someone is onto them,” Bell explains. “They’ll start to say negative things about them and eventually, they won’t be invited to the house. If you no longer have any friends or family visiting, that could be a red flag.”
Ed’s story
“I met my ex-girlfriend in my last year of school and she was very forceful from the start, making all the decisions in the relationship and leaving me little room to think, act, and be by myself. As the school year came to an end, she pushed me into alienating myself from my friends and bullied me into spending all my time with her, even though her constant neediness was beginning to suffocate me.
“Things came to a head when I left home for university. I was apprehensive about meeting new people and making new friends but my ex coerced me into staying in my flat, saying certain groups of people weren’t right for me and I shouldn’t talk to other girls. Eventually, if I wanted to go out, she’d threaten to hurt herself if I wasn’t phoning her 24/7.
“I decided to take a year out of uni, in the hope it would help matters. But I wasn’t allowed to see my family and my ex would make me wait at her house alone all day until she returned from school. Eventually, I went home for a few days and she threatened to kill herself. When I explained that I just wanted to see my family, she grabbed me, furiously shaking me, then threw a plate and a mug at me, avoiding me by inches.
“At this point, I ended the relationship but she rang and texted me constantly and hacked into my social media accounts to check where I was meeting my friends – then she’d turn up unannounced and cause a scene. She even did this at my new place of work.
“Luckily, I went back to university after this and I’ve only seen her once since then. But it caused huge feelings of shame, guilt, self-disgust and powerlessness, which I still struggle with now. Thankfully, I’m in therapy to resolve these issues, feeling much better, and moving forward with my life.”
Red flag five: checking up on you
A partner checking your phone or tracking your movements might be framed as a trust issue – ‘If I can trust you, why do you mind?’ – but it’s a big red flag when it comes to coercive control.
“Abusers are collectors of information, so they’ll spend hours asking questions about you, gathering things they can use at a later date,” says Bell. “You might interpret that at the beginning of a relationship as someone being really interested in you, but I call it ‘silent surveillance’.
“They might claim to be keeping you safe when they ask you to constantly check in on a night out, but if your partner makes sure you always tell them where you are and at what time, and checks up on you if you don’t come back to them right away, it’s a bad sign.”
Thanks to our digital connections, it’s easier than ever for a partner to find out where you are and who you’re with – but that doesn’t mean they have an automatic right to know.
“Things like stalking you on social media, harassing you with constant messages, perhaps putting a tracker on your phone – these are all types of digital abuse that we’re hearing more and more of,” says Mann. “A partner might even have access to your emails or your phone’s password – control that’s often disguised as love and can be really subtle.”
Samantha’s story
“When I first met Alex and told him I didn’t want to be exclusive, he punched a hole in the wall at a friend’s house party. But instead of seeing a red flag, I just thought, ‘wow he must really like me’.
“As we saw more of each other, he’d be really interested in who I was spending time with, asking me to name every single person I was seeing on a night out. This was wrapped in ‘taking an interest’ at first, but evolved into him wanting to know specifics about what time we’d been in each bar.
“He started to become irritated if I didn’t reply to his messages immediately and we had a few rows about my being online on WhatsApp but not replying fast enough because I was on a call, or talking to someone else. He said it made him feel ignored and rejected and like he should be worried about something.
“One night he came over before I went out with friends and when I got back, I saw he’d used my computer to access all my social media accounts and had even set up my Instagram account on his phone! Finally, enough was enough and I ended things with him.”
Red flag six: putting you down
Your partner should be your number-one champion, supporting you through your struggles and feeling as proud of your accomplishments as your own. But instead, perpetrators of emotional abuse will often do everything they can to undermine their partner’s self-confidence, leaving them feeling worthless.
“An example of this type of red flag is disguising insults as questions,” says Bell. “They might say, ‘you’re not really going to eat all that are you?’ or cover insults with, ‘can’t you take a joke?’
“They might also frame putting you down as constructive criticism, or worrying about your wellbeing: ‘You might need to do that again, it looks like it’s gone over your head,’ or ‘I’m just concerned that you’re drinking a bit too much.’ They might also undermine your successes, trumping them with their own stories to belittle what you’ve done.”
Jessica’s story
“I was 21, and at a very low ebb, when I met Dan. I had an eating disorder, but being head over heels in love for the first time, I was beginning to take steps towards looking after myself better and slowly starting to put on weight.
“Dan would always make comments about my body – how I needed to be more toned, or how my clothes didn’t look right. Then he started to call me fat, which would upset me tremendously. When we moved in together, I was in charge of the shopping and cooking, but he’d tell me items I was banned from buying at the shops.
“When I’d serve up dinner, he’d sometimes take food off my plate because I ‘didn’t need it,’ even though I was starving and dizzy, as I may not have eaten all day. Eventually, I started to turn to food for comfort, and I put on weight very rapidly. Eventually, he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore because he couldn’t love someone who was fat. The relationship ended and I moved out.”
Recognise these red flags? Call Retail Trust’s confidential helpline on 0808 801 0808. In the ROI call 1800 911 810. Or visit Women’s Aid for help and support.
What if you’re the perpetrator?
It can be hard to face up to the idea that you might be abusing your partner. But if you recognise these red flags in your own behaviour, there are steps you can take towards change.
Retail Trust helps businesses to develop their domestic abuse policies and this includes addressing the cause of domestic abuse: those perpetrating it. If you recognise that your behaviour is abusive, there is support available to help you change your behaviour.
“The Respect phoneline (0808 8024040) is for anyone of any sex or gender identity, and any sexual orientation, who is concerned about their behaviour in a relationship,” says Emma Dixon, communications manager at Respect. “If your partner feels controlled, isolated or intimidated by you, we’re here to help you stop”
“We provide non-judgemental advice and signposting to Respect-accredited domestic abuse perpetrator programmes. These behaviour change programmes help people using abuse to understand their behaviour and give them an opportunity to change for the better.”
You might feel that if you haven’t hit your partner, your behaviour doesn’t count as abuse. But as we’ve seen, domestic abuse comes in different forms –and if you’re worried about your behaviour, there’s help out there for both you and your partner.
“Our emphasis at Respect is always on accountability. A lot of people using abuse will minimise their behaviour by saying “they pushed my buttons” or “I saw red”. We support people to understand that there’s no excuse for abuse. You can choose to behave non-abusively and we can help you take the first step towards change.”
For more information, visit the Respect phoneline website at Respectphoneline.org.uk, or call 0808 8024040
*All names have been changed