What to do when you’re dreading Christmas

This time of year isn’t one of comfort and joy for us all. If you’re affected by financial problems, bereavement, divorce or loneliness – you’re not the only one. We asked the experts, and people who have been there themselves, for their advice on how to deal with your most difficult festive dilemmas.

• My children are so excited about Christmas, but I’m struggling to pay bills and there’s no money to buy presents. I’m dreading them writing letters to Santa filled with things I can’t afford and feel heartbroken and so ashamed I won’t be able to give them a stocking stuffed with gifts. What can I do?  
• Yet again, I have no-one to spend Christmas with. I don’t have any close friends or family, and every year I feel incredibly lonely. What can I do differently this year?
• This is my first Christmas post-divorce. We’re wondering how to make sure the children enjoy themselves, when spending the day together isn’t an option. What would you advise?
• My family comes to my house every Christmas, and although I love hosting, it’s also a huge financial burden. How can I rein things in without ruining Christmas?
• I lost my mum this year. My older siblings have partners, but I don’t, which makes it feel that bit harder. I feel like shutting the world away and just ignoring my first Christmas without Mum. How can I deal with it?

Q. My children are so excited about Christmas, but I’m struggling to pay bills and there’s no money to buy presents. I’m dreading them writing letters to Santa filled with things I can’t afford and feel heartbroken and so ashamed I won’t be able to give them a stocking stuffed with gifts. What can I do? 

“You’re not alone if you’re struggling this time of year – but you don’t need to buy your children lots of gifts for them to feel loved, or for you all to have a lovely time,” says parent coach and child behaviour expert Madeleine Woolgar. “If you ask your child what they got for Christmas last year, they probably wouldn’t remember. But they might remember the things you did together. You know you love them, and that your lack of ability to buy as many presents as you would like to isn’t a reflection on your love for them. In fact, maybe this is an opportunity to create new Christmas traditions, and find more value in being together.” 

“I’d start by being upfront with your children, and letting them know this Christmas is going to be different. Instead of lots of gifts, you’re going to focus on having a really special time instead. When it comes to their Christmas lists, you could suggest they write down something they’d like that they can hold, and something they’d love to do with you. Modelling to your child that it’s your presence, not presents, that has real value, is the most powerful way to help them start to value those kinds of experiences. 

“It’s also OK for your child to get upset if they don’t get what they want. When a child doesn’t feel like they have the space to express how they feel, their feeling gets bigger, because they don’t feel heard. It can be uncomfortable for parents, but it’s important to acknowledge they’re upset.” 

Your advice 

“Firstly, remember that pretty much everyone is in the same boat, so a scaled back Christmas won’t be unusual. We try to make our children secure in who they are, so those things matter less. Our older children can say, ‘I wanted X for Christmas but didn’t get it because it cost too much for my parents,’ without shame. And by the time younger kids go back to school, they don’t remember what they got anyway. My youngest got a pricey scooter last year, but when people asked, he said he got a yo-yo, because that’s what he was most pleased with!”
Anna, Wiltshire

“When we were struggling for money, we’d give the kids vouchers from Santa that we made ourselves, for gifts that weren’t physical. We’re also quite honest with our kids about our financial state, and have stopped saying we can’t afford things. Instead, we say we choose to spend our money elsewhere. If your children accept that your family isn’t the type to encourage a big spend at Christmas, the Santa thing is a lot easier to swallow. For example, one year my son asked for a drone. We got him a small cheap one, and he was super happy until a friend came over with his (bigger, better) one. Our son asked why Santa had only brought him a small drone, and we said it was probably because Santa knows he doesn’t like being wasteful, and that he’d still got exactly what he’d asked for, and he was perfectly happy after that. Reminding kids that Santa might also be struggling this winter, and that we can help take the load off by asking for less, could also be helpful.”
Jai, Bristol

“Avoid opening presents with other people who are likely to have got nicer things. I’ll admit to some present envy when seeing my niblings’ presents last year, even though my own children didn’t notice! Big up the lovely things they’ve received as they’re opened, and model extreme excitement about your own present of socks. As well as trying to be positive about the experience yourself, shut off opportunities for shame, and make a long-term plan that will make you feel more in control for next year.”
Lin, Norfolk

Q: Yet again, I have no-one to spend Christmas with. I don’t have any close friends or family, and every year I feel incredibly lonely. What can I do differently this year?

“Marketing and social media have much to answer for at this time of year, when we’re bombarded with images of friends and family having a fantastic time together,” says Andrea Woodside, workplace wellbeing expert. “For the majority of people, this is not reality. Loneliness is on the rise, and has even been referred to as the ‘second pandemic.’

“One step might be to check out nextdoor, a free app which brings neighbours together who have shared interests. You could put out a message asking if anyone fancies a walk or a cup of tea on Christmas Day, and also consider contacting local homelessness charities to see if they could use some help on the day. Volunteering is a brilliant way to meet people, gain new skills, and get perspective on what other people have to cope with.

“Some people are happy without close friends or family, but if you’re not, perhaps you could also use the festive season to consider what you’d like to change in the coming year. Do you have a hobby that could provide you with the chance to meet new people who share your enthusiasm? It might also be helpful to consider speaking with a Retail Trust counsellor in confidence to help you to plan the life you want next year.”

Your advice

“I’ve been alone for seven out of the last nine Christmases, so I treat the 25th as a normal day, with no decorations or tree. This year, I’ll go for an early walk with my camera, because Christmas morning is so quiet, and set up calls with other people who are alone. I’ll binge-watch several favourite movies, and listen to an audiobook series. And if there’s a local charity that needs help, I’ll have my name down.”
Paul, Kent

“My best piece of advice if you’re alone at Christmas is to embrace it. Eat what you want to eat, watch the films you want to watch, and just relax. I’ve spent my last three Christmases alone, and the first one was rubbish, so the next year I took full advantage of it. I went out and got a nice cut of meat, some nice veg, and rented three of my all-time favourite films, and it was much better!”
Andrew, Bedfordshire

“Use your time positively: do something creative, even if it’s just a jigsaw. Set yourself targets over Christmas to read some books, watch box sets, listen to some of your favourite music, and perhaps join a group of people in the same situation. It’s not just you who is alone – there are people all around the world feeling the same, you just need to reach out.”
Keith, Suffolk

Q: This is my first Christmas post-divorce. We’re wondering how to make sure the children enjoy themselves, when spending the day together isn’t an option. What would you advise?

“The holidays are a great time to create brand-new traditions with your children that empower them to participate and confirm the love that still exists within your family,” says Ashley Simpo, author of A Kids Book About Divorce. “If things are peaceful between parents, then celebrate together in one home. If things are not peaceful (and that’s OK, it’s new) then celebrate separately. Either way, do something fun and new that celebrates the changing shape of your family.

“Try a new recipe together, make hand-made gifts for each other, volunteer locally, buy matching pyjamas, and veg out on Christmas films until midnight. When divorce is fresh, I think it’s a green flag to spoil the kids a little with extra gifts, extra time with friends, or extra gingerbread biscuits — whatever sparks joy.”

Your advice

“This is my third Christmas as a single mum, and I’m adamant that we view it as a season, not just one day. Previously, when the children have been at their dad’s on the 25th, we’ve done the whole presents and roast dinner thing a week early. I felt quite chuffed watching my friends running around that week trying to get things organised when we’d already done it! I’ve also spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day with other female friends, and those quiet ones mean a lot to me.”
Samantha, East Sussex (no1 buddies)

“If you don’t have the kids on the day, make sure you’re not alone. Try not to create the Christmas you would have had with your children – instead, embrace the fact that you can go for Christmas Eve drinks with friends, and enjoy not having to cook a big dinner. Then when you do have your children back, treat that as Christmas Day. With time, it will get easier.”
Holly, Gloucestershire

“If you don’t have your children on Christmas Day, make sure you spend the day with others. It may seem better to be on your own, but you end up thinking too much about the children and what they’re up to. They need to spend time with the other parent, but when you have them, just concentrate on making sure they feel loved and have fun.”
Dominic, Essex

Q: My family comes to my house every Christmas, and although I love hosting, it’s also a huge financial burden. How can I rein things in without ruining Christmas?

“We put so many expectations on ourselves during the festive period, that we can end up feeling too overwhelmed to enjoy what’s really important: spending time with family and friends whom we might not see often,” says Andrea Woodside. “We can get so stressed, that by the time the holidays are over, we can even start to dread the next year’s festivities (not to mention the credit card bills).

“We Canadians have something called a ‘pot-luck,’ where everyone who comes to a large family gathering brings a dish to contribute to the overall meal. You could ask each guest (or household) what they’d like to bring – but keep track, otherwise you could end up with three of the same puddings! Alternatively, you could take care of the main course, and then assign a starter, side dish or crackers to each guest or household.

“One of the biggest budget-busters at this time of the year is alcohol, so perhaps every guest could bring a bottle to spread the cost. While you might not feel totally comfortable with this approach, people like to be asked to contribute to shared experiences – it helps them to feel part of something, and creates great memories.”

Your advice

“I’d recommend doing three things: reducing dinner options rather than putting everything under the sun on the table, asking each guest to bring something with them – especially things like wine, biscuits, desserts and chocolate – and not spending on fripperies like novelty plates, napkins and decorations.”
Simi, London

“Christmas dinner is special because it often feels like there’s a lot of variety. Create that variety with veg, which is cheaper: potatoes two ways, carrots, peas, Brussels sprouts and roasted parsnips. Skip the turkey and go for a chicken, because people won’t care. Bucks Fizz feels Christmassy, and you can get some great prices in supermarkets. And introduce a ‘bring your own’ policy for all other drinks!”
Jasmit, Glasgow

“Someone who sets their sights on having an enjoyable Christmas, rather than spending money, is much more likely to enjoy themselves. There’s no need to spend a three-figure sum on food if you can set out a good spread for everyone for less than that, and everyone will still enjoy themselves with their usual (cheaper) drinks in good company. The rest of the year, you enjoy spending time with people on a low budget, so why does Christmas need to be any different?”
Keith, Merseyside

Q: I lost my mum this year. My older siblings have partners, but I don’t, which makes it feel that bit harder. I feel like shutting the world away and just ignoring my first Christmas without Mum. How can I deal with it?

“It’s a good idea to have a plan, because putting your head down and hoping to wake up mid-January sadly isn’t going to work,” says Maria Bailey, Grief Recovery Specialist at Grief Specialists. “What you can do is have some Plan Bs in place. If you suddenly find you don’t want to be somewhere because it’s all too much, and you can’t escape because you’ve had too much to drink, for instance, it can make a bad situation feel so much worse.

“If you’re spending time with your family, explain that you might need time out in a quiet room every now and then, or might even need to go home. If you’re honest with how you’re feeling, you’ll avoid any interrogations about where you’ve been, or why you’re going. Sometimes the thought of Christmas is worse than the reality, so just go with how you feel.

“And avoid spending too much time alone. We tend to isolate, after loss, but we need others around us to share our thoughts and feelings with, and enjoy new experiences with them that can become new happy memories.”

Your advice

“The first Christmas without someone can be so hard, but it’s also a chance to spend time with your family, sharing memories about that person. If you put it off, you’ll still have to deal with all that emotion next year. Perhaps start a new Christmas tradition with your siblings to share each year, like each buying a tree decoration linked to your mum’s memory, or meeting up somewhere she loved, so you can toast her life.”
Rosie, London.

“When we lost our mum just before Christmas, a friend told me about the ‘ring theory’ of dealing with your own and others’ grief. Comfort should flow from the community and acquaintances, through close friends and family members, towards the people directly affected by the loss, while grief should be expressed outwards by those people in the centre back in the other direction. It taught us to rely on those outside our immediate circle for support, rather than feeling we had to comfort Mum’s friends.”
Hayley, Wiltshire

“My main advice for the first Christmas after losing a loved one, especially if the bereavement was close to the day itself, is to celebrate the day anyway, but keep it lower-key and allow people to dip in and out as they wish. Don’t be afraid to buy everything pre-prepared, and be gentle on yourself as well as everyone else. And if you’re not feeling up to it, don’t be afraid to decline the invitations, pull the curtains, and watch rubbish TV.”
Sarah, Kent